What Started This

November 11, 2012

Dear Dad,

Shortly after the election I watched this video of President Obama thanking his team. It inspired me to do something, and so here we are, launching the Reconciliation Project, a way for us to talk things through in a way that doesn't, hopefully, result in our tearing each other to shreds.

I suspect that we reacted to the news of the President's reelection in equal and opposite ways. For me I expected to feel more relief than inspiration. There have been some disappointments in the last four years, and maybe because of that I was nowhere nearly as involved with the campaign as I was in 2008. This year, rather than go door-to-door in Nevada and Pennsylvania, C and I sent enough money for the magnetic bumper sticker, which I stuck on your car door in an attempt at a joke, and that was about it.

But something happened as I watched the returns come in. I started to feel something besides relief. Gratitude. Pride. More than that, though, I felt a desire to participate. Besides voting and buying a bumper sticker, I wanted to feel like I was working to bend that long moral arc toward justice, to cast it in someone else's poetic terms.

But please don't feel like that means I am trying to change your mind, to bring you over to my way of thinking. Instead, I want to start a conversation between us that I am starting to fear will never otherwise take place. And maybe we'll become an internet sensation and inspire other conversations like this one. Or maybe we'll just figure some things out for ourselves, about "the other side" and about each other. I think it's worth it to try.

Which brings me to the volley: what do you see when you watch this video? I see an unscripted, honest snapshot of a principled public servant, humbled but still self-possessed. I expect that you see something markedly different. So I am hoping that you'll "read" this moment for me. And I'm hoping, even more, that this act of interpretation can start something that we'll both find immensely valuable and worthwhile.

You mentioned that you'd written something after the election, and feel free to post that instead of or in addition to this video idea. But maybe watching the video will give you a way to articulate those thoughts and give them the purpose or the "going somewhere" that you felt they lacked on the page as they stood. As you wish. I'm looking forward to whatever you decide.

Welcome to the Reconciliation Project.

-A

Volley Returned!

November 13, 2012

I am happy to report that my Dad is on board with this project, and sent me his first installment. Here goes:

---

Dear Andrea,

I wanted to write this as an introduction before watching the video. I thought it might be a good way to start. Thank you for your ideas that led me to find the direction in this first discourse. Your project is a good one. Let’s hope that this project can inspire some change in thought, some moving together for the people that read it.

Always proud of you,

Dad

November 7, 2012

The election of 2012 has come and passed. Barack Obama has won a second term and I support our president. I did not vote for him either time but once elected the nation should stand behind our president and pray that the decline in our country will halt its steady downhill progression.

There are things that have happened during the first term of the Obama presidency that lead me to question my own sanity at times. Certainly I question what is going on in our country. I don’t recognize some of it any more. Of course there is always a great amount of change in science, technology, politics, to some degree morality etc. These changes can be both good and bad; an improvement in one area can be a benefit but at the same time there can be unforeseen unintended consequences that don’t appear till later.

The automobile is a case in point. The first exhaust emitting engines were dirty. Human innovation made engines that were cleaner burning. The early days of coal production created an unhealthy environment in the air and water, but now coal burning is cleaner and is not a threat to the environment as it once was. Let’s not forget cell phones and text messaging, oh how we need them. It is certainly a great invention. Then along came distracted driving causing accidents and deaths, people walking into light poles and falling into pools, people so busy they can’t have a one on one conversation with you but must share the conversation with a myriad other things going on. I’ve heard of parents who must communicate with their adolescent children via texting while in the same room with them! Have you noticed that another unintended consequence is a whole segment of our society that does not know how to have a conversation or put together cohesive and cogent sentences?

What is it that leads me to question my own sanity? I have a core set of principles and values that I live by. I’ve also made many mistakes in my life. Not everyone shares my values of course and everyone is entitled to believe what they will. My dilemma is that some voices have become so loud that to disagree with them automatically casts you in a negative and biased light. The result is a silence, a non-communication. Better to stay quiet than to be labeled intolerant, racist, sexist, or judgmental. Better to stay quiet than be the one person with a differing view and be mocked for it.

Some examples:

· If you are not pro-gay rights you are labeled a homophobe and bigot. It does not matter if your belief is based on religious teachings. It does not matter that you believe a person’s sexual orientation is no one else’s business. You do not discriminate because of that.

· If you criticize this president you are automatically a racist. It does not matter that your criticism is based on what you believe are mistakes in foreign policy, economic policy, or lack of leadership.

· You are not allowed to believe that there is a segment of the population that does not work even though they are able. To think them to be leeches or scammers of the system is not allowed. If you believe this then you are close minded, intolerant, and a racist to boot.

· If you believe that a 33 year old able bodied woman should pay for her own birth control pills instead of the taxpayer, then you are part of the war on women. And if you are dumb struck that this woman is actually a model for others then you are a sexist. You certainly do not understand.

· If you believe that the media has shown very little outrage or even interest in some of the serious events that have occurred during this administration you are an extreme right wing fanatic. To express the opinion that the same events under a republican administration would create such a media frenzy that it would be difficult or almost impossible to govern, then you are a crazy conspiracy loon.

In this reconciliation project that Andrea has started I am hoping that I will be able to express an opinion based on my view and experience. Many of you who read this undoubtedly will disagree with me. I expect that. But I will have you know I am not a bad person, I do not automatically hate. I just have a differing opinion. I dearly love my family. My wife and sons is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I get immense joy watching the antics of my first grandson Max. I look forward to that joy being multiplied as more grandchildren enter this world.

On Obama’s Thank You. Or, “My dad is officially more prolific than I am.”

November 14, 2012

As you may know if you've been following along, I asked my dad to respond to the now-viral video of President Obama's thank you to his staff. I definitely didn't expect this. But, as he said to me in his email from this morning, "perhaps we should have no expectations."

---

Dear Andrea,

I’ve watched the video a few times and you are right. What you see, as you put it, is a humbled public servant in an unscripted moment as he thanks campaign workers. He comes across as eloquent and deeply moved by the circumstances. What he told the young people there came from the heart. It’s no wonder Obama himself was moved to tears at this baring of the soul. I can see why you feel the way you do.

If only there had been more moments like this during the last four years. Here you see someone you can believe in because of the simple honesty in which the message is delivered. Where I differ is that this was not the way Obama usually carried out his duties. A case about your assessment of a person self-possessed can be made even though it is not as apparent to me in this video.

So let’s agree that we see this video very similarly. What we will disagree on in the upcoming essays are the actual policies, the unkept promises and mistakes. We will agree on the good things that Obama has been able to do and question whether these positives can make the case for another 4 year term of the same, however moot that is at this point.

I’m glad you began this project. I admit I feel relief that I can share these things with you and I think the way you set it up is ingenious. It allows us to discuss without fear of repercussion. The neutral party in these writings is the readers that we know are there even though they are not present at the time. You are brilliant!

Dad

Possibly This Makes No Sense. Possibly It’s Painfully Obvious. Hopefully Neither of Those Things.

November 18, 2012

Dear Dad,

I've been putting this off. Partly it's because I put everything off lately (not today, though, on which I somehow made a reasonable list and crossed everything off of it). But mostly it's because I really value what we're doing here, so the stakes are high and I want to get this exactly right.

I wonder where to begin in terms of responding to what you've written. I don't want to take every point in turn, because each one would require so much space to really deal with adequately and then you'd have to write something even more comprehensive in response and then we'd each wind up with way too much homework. So instead I want to say a few things about what I'm reading in between the lines, so to speak.

I have to say that I'm surprised in many ways by what you wrote. It's been so long since we've even broached this topic that I had no idea what your positions might be at this point. But the positions weren't what surprised me; it was the sense that you feel like you aren't entitled to your views, or that a sanctimonious opposition would draw ungenerous conclusions about you as a result of those views.

In some ways your sense is totally accurate. Some of what you wrote in your first letter would probably get you labeled certain ways in certain circles. What's interesting, though, is that the appeal to morality that seems to underpin a lot of what makes your head spin is the same appeal that would get you branded. In other words, you have a sense of right and wrong that leads you to your views; not the obvious, bumper sticker views like "don't be gay," but the more subtle "I have a right to my bumper sticker" view.

In other words, you feel that you should have the right to your position to the extent that taking it doesn't provoke moral outrage. But it COMES from moral outrage of some kind, right? So that's where we lock horns. I, for instance, think that something like gay rights is a complete no-brainer and that you can't say "you can't get married" at the same time as you say "I don't discriminate against you." Certainly you have the right to feel as you feel, write about it, go on the radio, etc etc. But I think that exercising the moral muscle, so to speak, works both ways and that outrage at that position is a result of the same kind of thinking.

The question at the core of this project is what to do with mutual moral outrage. I don't really have an answer for that one. But I'm hoping we can keep trying. I certainly don't think we have to surrender our senses of right and wrong. Maybe the first thing to note, though, is that I don't think that seeing the difference of opinion as morality vs amorality is helpful. It's not the case that one side has "values" and the other is running around being politically correct out of moral failing, out of an erosion of a sense of right and wrong.

So maybe a first step out of deadlock is to agree, first of all, that it IS in fact deadlock, that we're both making an appeal based on deeply held senses that we are in the right on moral, ethical grounds.

Know what I mean?
-A

On “Deadlock”

November 28, 2012

Dear Andrea,

I made it a point to write a response this week so we can continue the chain of thought and in keeping with the purpose of this project. I wrote the first essay as a response to an election result that surprised me. In keeping the writing short and to the point I didn’t expound at any length on any of the points. That would certainly mean too much homework as you correctly noted.

I have been in many situations where my views were in the minority and these views were opposed and dismissed, ridiculed and mocked. Too many times my response to this was anger and I could not verbally make my point especially when I was interrupted. This made me lose clarity in getting to the crux of the matter. That is why I found it was less painful to be quiet. Ergo the silence.

As to the matter of gay rights I believe that people are entitled to make a life commitment to whomever they want. I also believe they should get the same legal and social benefits as anyone else. I differ as to definitions. I believe the term marriage should be used to denote a union of a man and a woman, same sex couples a civil union. This might be minor I know, but that is my opinion. Does this mean I am discriminating against same sex unions? No. Just terminology.Isn’t any choice made by noting differences discrimination? We make those choices on a daily basis.

The outrage you sense is not from my opposition of these unions, but the constant forced feeding of the issue. I do not care what goes on behind closed doors; it is none of my business. If I am introduced to someone I do not think their sexual preference should be the main point of that introduction.

You might be right that we are in a deadlock and we are making appeals based on deeply held senses of ethical and moral beliefs. The gap between us is not a chasm though, as the word deadlock might convey. We have differing views but I expect that, just as many of my views were different from those of my father. We are a product of a changing world as we move through our lives. We are thirty years apart though, and some diverse opinions should be the norm. I think you would agree with that.

We are at a point where we are comfortable with each other and I have an enormous amount of respect for you. You have always made me proud of you and you continue to do so. This project is a great idea and I hope we can continue it for a long time.

Dad

Dropped Ball.

February 20, 2013

We have to reinvigorate this space. By "we" I mean "I." It's my turn and I am rising to the occasion. Soon...stay tuned...

Still nothing…

August 2, 2013

Dad! I've been on a news fast for months. I imagine there must be something to wrestle about, right? What do you think? I think this was pretty great when we had it going. It's hard to find a new point of entry, though....any thoughts? Working through anything?

Reinvigoration Proves More Challenging…

August 3, 2013

Hey!
At this point I'm not working through anything......I'm an observer...very interesting things going on, some expected, some bizarre. Always underlining the human condition. Sometimes I think we should have all been fish, or trees, or kale for that matter...Maybe trees. Fish and kale get eaten. Talk to you later and looking forward to your visit.
Dad

An Old Dispatch…

December 30, 2014

Hey Dad,
You wrote something beautiful, a long time ago, intended for this space. I never put it up but I'm doing it now, and I hope that we can get moving on this again. So many things have happened that have made me turn away from even wanting to engage. But it feels important now, for so many reasons, to wake this space up. Also, the blue I like seems to be gone. And your red is messed up, too. You lose some you lose some, as Luigi would say.
-A

---

Andrea,

I’ve been thinking about this entry for the reconciliation project which is not at all the direction we’ve been going but rather a reflection on one aspect of my life that I want to share with you. You don’t have to respond or post it. If you think it is too personal for the project we can certainly keep it in family.

One evening about a month ago your mother and I were watching an old 1943 movie entitled Heaven Can Wait starring Gene Tierney and Don Ameche. Ameche plays the part of a rich playboy who has to answer for his wrong doing when he dies and goes before the devil to determine if he goes to hell or not. It is a very well made cleverly amusing movie about love and redemption.

There was a part in the movie that was a catharsis for me, a feeling hard to put into words of the deep love and understanding between not only the two characters but also between your mother and me. In recalling his life Ameche speaks about the evening of their 25th wedding anniversary. In a very luxurious house full of people Ameche looks for his wife who is not in the room at the time. He finds her in the library resting in a chair. They recollect their first evening when they met in that very room. He remembers standing in a corner, she remembers him sitting. He remembers her looking frightened, she tells him after 25 years she wasn’t frightened at all. She then gets a phone call and coyly dismisses her husband’s question about who was calling. When he admits he is jealous she tells him it was the doctor. She had been getting dizzy spells. It ends up this was their last anniversary together; she passes away a few months later. At this point I looked to your mother, and she was fast asleep.

After chuckling to myself I realized how fortunate that we found each other. What a deep love and understanding we have that has evolved over 37 years. And at this point I wanted with all my being the same thing for you and your brother, to experience the same deep love and understanding after being married 37 years and beyond. To know that would make me a very happy and fulfilled person indeed.

Hope this isn’t too maudlin but every once in a while we have to stop and realize how lucky we are.

Dad

On Faith (0)

January 17, 2016

Dear Dad,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, and I apologize for it. I really believe in this project; I think it would be good for us and might even be good for others, on so many levels. It’s so tempting to disengage, though, or say nothing about the things that really get under our skin or confuse us. But I want to work on doing small things that might actually help us understand each other, and by “us” I mean everyone.

There are so many things that set me on fire: guns, Tr*mp (who needs no more publicity, not even a mention on an obscure blog), calls for leveling some more people in some more countries, some of the reactions to the campus climate interventions in recent days. I could go on and on.

Rather than pick an issue, though, I wanted to explain a little of my reticence to do so. It has to do with the concept of Faith. Not religious faith necessarily, though that could be something to talk about, as I expect we are coming from very different places in that respect. I mean faith in the sense of what we know without knowing it, and the way we seek things out that confirm the ideas in which we have placed our faith. To pick an example: I am not, as you know, a climate scientist but I KNOW in my bones, without really knowing it, that we have screwed up the ecosystem/temperature/world. Sure, I learned about it in school and read a few articles and etc, but on some level I am going on faith, putting my trust in people who know more than I do, because it fits into my view of the world, my sense of human culpability/greed/recklessness/shortsightedness. (I picked this one because it is as undebatable for me as anything I can imagine; I just KNOW this is true, but I have not done anything in the way of responsibly confirming it. This is not to say that I have any doubt about it. Which makes it an even better example. You know?)

There are other bedrock ideals that feel good to confirm, so I seek out things that confirm them. Everyone probably does, and, because someone can make money off of this impulse, someone does. We get to curate our news, pick a media outlet/talk show host that tells us what, on some level, we know without knowing. So we can shop for information like a scarf. Except I think we both have a suspicion that there is something true out there that is not subject to our aesthetic judgments, that goes on being true regardless of the ideas in which we have placed our faith. That some ideals are better than others, because they bring about less pain and suffering if we uphold them. Maybe we could get to some of those, or at least be aware that, as we debate some kind of issue, the thing driving us is the desire to confirm a conviction that got there in a complicated way, that shapes us in ways we don’t fully understand.

The Truth Is Out There?
A

On Faith (1)

January 20, 2016

Dear Andrea,

I’m glad we have a restarting point. The last post was more than 1&1/2 years ago? Not to sound clichéd but, damn, where did the time go? As busy as you get, we can always make some time to keep this project going. I say you because I have much more time than you (since I am RETIRED). You juggle a job, actively compose, and create inroads in your writing. You and Christine are raising two boys who are absolute joys and add years to our lives. All at the same time packing up and moving to Minnesota. Don’t feel remiss if the entries are not as frequent as you might want. Let’s not add another responsibility on ourselves but rather just take the opportunity whenever it comes. Let’s take quality over quantity. (“What do you want, speed or accuracy?”)

You wrote in an earlier entry that you were on a news fast for months. I’ve been going through the same. I haven’t been watching or listening to news for many months. I am aware of what’s going on to a point but I have to admit I’ve gotten tired of all the noise. It’s always the same theme and variations. I now have found three local classical music radio stations that have good reception and they are what I listen to while driving. Two of them have no ads and do not broadcast news on the hour, half hour, on the eights or elevens or what have you. One of the stations has live streaming. No noise, just serenity. Mom says I’ve rediscovered my first love, classical music. In actuality I feel about classical music as I always have, but now I can listen to a Beethoven sonata without unknowingly going 20 miles over the speed limit at the allegro movement.

You said that faith to you is what we know without really knowing it. I believe it’s a gut feeling about something that you know or believe is true. You also said that we seek ways to confirm the ideas we have put our faith in. I agree with all of that but I would like to add one thing that has been important to me. Someone once said that in any group there will be someone that is as bright as or brighter than you equally well educated who has views that are 180 degrees opposite yours. Whatever I know to be true for me that comes from faith or opinion there is the possibility I might be wrong to some degree or totally wrong for that matter.

You stated some issues that set you on fire and we can certainly address those things. What I would like to share with you first is the overall feeling I get from your post. It saddens me to a degree in the sense that you are taking on more than one person can. When you say your sense of human greed, recklessness and shortsightedness there doesn’t seem to be any room for the good. Agreed there are greedy, reckless and shortsighted people. These are traits that are in many of us. That has always been and always will be. The burden of humanness does not rest on you alone. You are not responsible for the worlds’ ills because of birth.

I think for now I am going to listen to Mozart’s Symphony in G Minor. No noise, just serenity.

On Faith, Continued

January 22, 2016

What do you listen to after a Mozart Symphony? Why, Antonio Carlos Jobim of course. No noise, just serenity, especially if Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto are on the album. I wanted to continue my thoughts from yesterday while I have some time before some tasks beckon me.

You said that you know in your bones that we have screwed up the ecosystem, temperature, and the world. This statement is truly a big burden to live with. Rather than addressing this directly I would like to share my thoughts on how I formulated my belief or faith on this subject.

As you used faith to mean what we know without knowing it would it make sense to say part of this faith comes about after a gradual processing of thoughts, experiences, learning and living? This is the well of experiences and thought you draw from when some of your beliefs come from faith.

When I was in my early twenties (or late teens?) there was something of a panic going on about the then upcoming weather phenomenon that was going to mean doom for the human race within 10 years. It was a global ice age. To me the most frightening fact was that according to scientists the oceans would freeze. Most harmful was this freezing of the oceans would mean our whole food chain would be affected. Quickly after this was all anyone spoke about, Hollywood got involved. I remember Ted Danson and Ed Asner were frequently interviewed on news shows. What astounded them was that with this freezing you could walk from Alaska to Russia and the whales would die. Why they were called upon as experts I don’t recall.

More recently global warming was the doomsday vehicle. Scientists had the data; the United Nations formulated the Kyoto Agreement to stop this catastrophic event because mankind had very little time left. Hollywood got involved. We couldn’t have Polar Bears dying. Experts testified before Congress. To me what was telling was no one was talking about the biggest source of heat, the sun. Also telling was one of the provisions of the Kyoto Agreement was that two nations were being granted emerging nation status and would not have to abide by the pollution and clean air laws for a number of years . These two countries were among the top four polluters; China and Brazil. The world was in immediate danger but yet these two countries could continue as usual. This was puzzling to me.

Sometime later there were articles about the national weather service placing weather reading stations in places that did not produce a true reading of temperature. Some of these sites were near airport tarmacs and on top of flat-roofed buildings close to air conditioning units and heat generators. This list goes on but I just wanted you to know some of the things that I’ve observed that lead me to question what I hear and read. For me this is particularly true when money is involved and some greedy persons take advantage of people’s fears; companies start up, books are written, interviews are given, web sites emerge, movies are produced, and politicians use the issue to win elections. The cycle continues. Theme and variations. Noise and more noise.

I do feel there have been weather changes and shifting, but as I see it weather changes all the time. I haven’t come to the conclusion that the world will end. I will also be the first to admit that I could be totally wrong.
In any case I do not have a profound guilt that I am responsible for all this. The best I can do is lead a good life and do the best I can as an individual, a father, husband, and family member. This is the sphere I live in and have a direct impact on.
As I stated before it saddened me that you seem to take on a burden more than one person can. Look at what you’ve done in your 37 years. Look at the love that you have instilled in people for you, your many accomplishments, and the students whose lives you’ve touched and continue to have an impact on, the time you spend with your sons. The list can continue but then it would sound too much like a father bragging about one of his sons. Look to the good as well. I know you’re destined for something extraordinary.

Faith. What we know without knowing it.

On Faith, Part 3

February 2, 2016

(In the middle of writing this segment this came to me. I wanted to let you know that today when mom and I went shopping for fish after chatting with you online, I realized that in this past week I looked to you as an inspiration….the way you changed your food regimen and how that led to your marked improvement in overall health. That is an example to follow. I will think of this the next time I want to splurge on food I should avoid.)

I thought the second part of this writing would be the last of this segment, but then there were still some issues that need mentioning; Trump and guns.

In my opinion Trump is a bombastic, buffoonish egomaniac. I can’t bear to listen to any of his speeches for more than five seconds, but then again I can’t bear to listen to Hillary either. Nor have I listened to anyone else’s campaign speeches in either camp. There is entirely too much noise. I’ve listened to Ben Carson before he decided to run for office and I thought he would make a good president but he’d never get enough support to make him a viable candidate. Putting aside your personal feeling about Trump, I would like you to consider two things.

First is the democratic process itself. It is full of shortcomings; cronyism, greed, lust for power, elitism, hypocrisy, etc., etc. The process has changed since our inception as a nation but it works. Far from perfect, but it works. If you have the backing, bankroll, can talk through both sides of your mouth, don’t care about stretching the truth or downright lie when needed, then it works perfectly.

Secondly, nothing happens in a vacuum. If there is a candidate for the presidency at this time that seems not suited for the job for many reasons and despite that gets high numbers in the polls, some thought should be given as to why this is happening.

The issue of guns is more problematic for me. There are many deep felt reasons as to why you are pro or anti, so many shades to either side. I would like you to know where I stand on this and why since we have differing views.
A firearm does one thing only. It propels a bullet at tremendous force. It is inanimate; it does not act of its own volition. Because of the devastation it can do, there has to be great care in its handling, a profound awareness of its inherent destructive capabilities. There has to be the deepest sense of responsibility possible when handling a firearm. There has been more attention on guns and not enough scrutiny on the person handling the weapon. There should be more resources used to study and treat mental illness, more safeguards to make sure the wrong people do not get access, ever.

There are so many articles written on this subject that we can go for pages and pages. A myriad of studies can be cited to support either side. The bottom line for me on this issue is defense. If someone breaks into my home at 2 in the morning I know that person is not there to sell Girl Scout cookies. That person is there to do me and my family harm. I cannot rely on the police to come to our defense in time. I cannot hope that that person will only rob us and leave. I will use deadly force to protect my family.

Much has been written about confiscation of personally owned firearms. When there comes a time that a government can absolutely affirm that no criminals will have access to firearms and that a person’s life and home is sacrosanct, then I have no problem giving up my firearms.

This belief might seem very brutal to you and it is. It as what is needed in the reality we have, in my opinion. Does that lessen the regard you have for me? I hope not.

Gambit

March 5, 2016

Dear Dad,

I’m just going to start writing here, hoping that I get where I need to go. This is something of a life philosophy, actually!

You’ve said a lot, and I wanted to respond to the things that made the biggest impression on me, and also wanted to offer a few new thoughts that might sum up, to a degree, why I think those things made an impact in the first place.

You talked about how my writing seemed pessimistic to you, or that it seems like I am taking on too much of a burden, claiming responsibility for the whole human race or something. I actually see it quite the other way around; I think doing this at all, reaching out and trying to go somewhere together, is a profoundly optimistic, hopeful practice. Maybe I overinflate the potential, imagining hearts and minds being won through a lowly blog on an artist’s website. More likely, though, it’s a sign of something bigger happening, some kind of broader reconciliation or search for truth that we are part of. I am happy to be a small part of it. It’s like when I moved to New York, headed downtown with Uncle Vinnie and realized that I didn’t want to own the town, so to speak, become some new sensation. I just wanted to participate.

However, in offering that response something gets left out: the place where you were coming from, the caring, the sense that you are still able to be a parent after 37, almost 38, years. I was deeply moved by that, and wanted to say thank you. I was also really moved by the nice things you said about the boys, the relocation, that Max and Miles add years to your life. It was, again, a moment of real caring and depth of feeling that rang out.

Out of that depth of feeling, which I feel like really defines you as a person, comes my puzzling over a few things. Of course I am pleased that you seem to see the Trump phenomenon for what it is. In that place. where you talked about being unable to listen to him speak, you also talk about Hillary Clinton and how you feel the same way. Your feelings on the Clintons have been clear to me for a long time, in fact I think those feelings were the things that, in my view, really cemented and intensified many of your beliefs and political affiliations. At least that’s what my memory says; I could definitely be missing something. Regardless, “I can’t stand Trump but I sure can’t listen to Hillary, either” as a sentiment bears a little bit of scrutiny. I think it brings out a pervasive view that you articulate other places as well: I might think such-and-such a thing, but someone equally intelligent or whatever might think the dead opposite, therefore we have to accommodate both views.

For me this idea is somewhat helpful in some cases, but for the most part, given the polarization of our politics (our meaning our whole country’s/world’s), it is a big lie. There are not equally good ideas on either side of the fence on any given issue, in my view. (Especially when you move the fence.) Because some ideas are actually better than others: those that relieve more suffering, that foster more community, that allow people the freedom to become their best selves. Somehow this has become contestable. I’ll blame Fox and you can blame MSNBC, and we’ll get nowhere. Still, though, for me it’s definitely this “fair and balanced” idea that Fox was so good at pushing at around the time the world turned upside down. We’ll just give equal time to these other, equally good ideas, the logic goes, and offer an antidote to the “liberal media bias.” So you call something fair because it shows the polar opposite of some idea. But what if the idea is actually a good one, one that bears out upon scrutinizing it in terms of human good? In terms of compassion?

Which brings me to the next big claim, and one that seems more provocative, and extreme, and maybe more potentially alienating to you than most that we’ve been making. From where many of us sit, the logic of Fair and Balanced allows really bad ideas to fester, to be justified by those in power, to be stoked and intensified among people who might actually vote. So I can’t take someone like Ben Carson seriously, or anyone else that actually wants to lead the GOP, for that matter, that believes in its tactics and core values. To me it’s pretty straightforward: the playbook seems to be to get on the dead-wrong side of social/environmental/economic issues, to fire people up to vote against their own interests, to make rich people richer and powerful institutions more powerful. Guns, climate change, the whole enchilada. It’s the same play in all cases, and I have trouble seeing it any other way. Which is why I am here. Convince me otherwise?

Thanks in advance,
Andrea

Volley Returned

March 27, 2016

​Dear Andrea,
Since I have some time before we go down to the Bronx I thought I would start this response to your last entry.
You clarified something for me when you said you didn’t want to take the town by storm when you moved to New York, you wanted to participate. In essence you said the same thing I said but in a different way. I said this is the sphere I live in and have a direct impact on in referencing that I didn’t feel that I was responsible for the calamities facing us. In wanting to participate as you said then you are having a direct impact in the sphere you live in as I see it.

When I said you are not responsible for the world’s ills because of birth I think I was expressing an overall belief that I have concerning some people who take on the world’s burdens as their own, as if they were responsible. In the last few times we saw each other I sometimes sensed sadness in you, very fleeting but nonetheless there. I would catch a glimpse of you and it seemed you were deep in worrisome thought. Could be I was wrong in my impression. Then I read your post and it seemed the impression was right. As a parent I wanted to ease your burden so I wrote what I did. That doesn’t mean I didn’t believe what I wrote.

In regards to the Clintons I will try to explain my feelings. For many people of my generation we believed the presidency is an exalted position of great responsibility. We believed the president could do no wrong. We grew up with DDE and JFK and idolized them. When Bill Clinton came around it seemed like Camelot again. This fantasy was revealed for what it was to us and we were doubly disappointed, first by the president and his actions, then by ourselves for being so gullible. I was angry for being so naïve and started to take a more realistic view of what was happening and this affected my thinking.

In an earlier post I said we were the products of a changing world as we move through our lives. The years of you formulating your outlook on the world and your place in it were far different than mine. The world in the middle 60’s when I was a teen was totally different than the early 90’s when you were a teen. What I considered to be the political middle then is certainly not so now. This brings me to your closing words, “convince me otherwise”. I do not want my sons to be able to be convinced by their father to change their views. I want them to make up their own minds based on their own beliefs. We might agree on some things but we will also disagree. I believe in ten to twenty years our beliefs might change as the world changes, maybe not. No one knows.

Bye for now.

Love,
Dad

The Past Eight Years

July 10, 2016

Dear Dad,

Last time I wrote something on an airplane, the “I hope you have a good day” post, you discovered it and, to my surprise, appreciated it. I deliberately didn’t advertise that one because I wasn’t sure how you’d take it. Christine had a very sharp observation that it was less intensely patriotic/pro-military than you or Luigi might expect, but perhaps more so than my immediate peers/friends/allies would want or predict.

I go back to that piece for two reasons: I’m on an airplane again, which brings with it a clearing out and perspective and chunk of time during which I can’t access the internet, and we’ve extended the invitation to Luigi to join our writing project (which I expect will mean I am outnumbered on most everything). A recent conversation I had with him sent me back to the time of his service, to his letters, to my heated conversations with you. He said something to the effect of “I have never been more frustrated with politics than I have been during the past 8 years,” as we talked about the upcoming election, and how Obamacare has affected him and affected Denny’s small business, etc.

This conversation was bewildering to me for a few reasons. I hadn’t heard a first-person story of the negative impact of Obamacare save for, years ago, a restaurant owner I’d worked for complaining because he couldn’t afford to cover his employees. His account was easy for me to laugh off; he is absolutely not a struggling person, in the least, and also an absolute tyrant, but I am certain that his employees were struggling and I am fine, even happy in a smug way, with his profit margin shrinking for the greater good. Luigi is in a different situation, though, and I was surprised at his claims that basically he has no insurance, that his premiums are exponentially greater and his coverage is exponentially worse. Surprised because it’s not what I thought would happen, or what I thought was happening, on some level. But more surprised because i just didn’t believe him, and I realized how strong my faith was in my own political beliefs. That can’t be right, is what I kept thinking, and frankly it’s what I still think. I do believe that his situation has changed but there has to be more to the story than “Obama bad.” More on that soon, or later after some research, or something. It’s not enough to believe on faith that it’s good or that it’s terrible. We can find out, and we should.

First, though: the most frustrated he’s ever been politically is the past 8 years? As opposed to the previous 8? I cannot comprehend this in the least. I have been thinking about it for days and it’s deeply, deeply unsettling, haunting. I’m sure there are reasons in addition to the ACA; I remember once he said “Iraq is basically lost” and I had a similar reaction, total internal disarray and disorganization, and I expect that these two ideas taken together are of real importance to the critiques of Obama coming from the right. And I can do the exercise of empathizing with the experience of, say, a marine who has seen combat and now spends more for insurance and how that could lead to such-and-such a view, but truthfully it baffles me that anyone could look at Bush II as anything but a complete disaster by every conceivable measure. And the legacy of those ideas is still alive and well and perhaps even more virulent and rabid one one hand and absorbed as widely accepted so as to become invisible on the other. Think back to that time, what it was for you in your daily life and ask why it had to be that way, what imperative made it so. How can you even put these two 8-year blocks on either sides of the same scale? In what universe? This is similar to the Clinton/Trump observation we’ve been talking about. There’s a throwing up of one’s hands happening, an antipolitics that suggests it doesn’t matter, that “they’re all crooks,” that you can’t stand to listen to either of them. But you’ll have to live with one of them.

There is so much more for us to talk about after this past week of carnage and staggering lack of empathy in its wake. To pick up on something you said in your last post: I don’t think I am trying to take the world’s burdens on, on my own. But I believe that we must, absolutely must, be on the side of easing those burdens inasmuch as we are able. This project is a small way to do that, I think. To contribute to understanding and positive change and an exchange of ideas between groups of people that do not communicate at all outside of internet comments. There has to be a way to understand each other better and to drag our assumptions out into the light and see if they hold up. I’m not talking about “common ground.” Possible there is none. But at least we can try to get at some kind of ground, some kind of baseline premise or ethos that has led all of us down such radically different paths, and see it clearly.

We could create something out of this, a living document with generous points of entry for anyone, whatever side they’re on. Maybe it can be a book. That this means something at all could be a delusion of grandeur, or a symptom of that neurotic impulse you identify as taking responsibility for what ails the world. At my most ungenerous I think it’s a kind of pseudoactivity meant to justify my life of privilege. Regardless, I feel that this is important work to do, even if it’s just between us. I hope, though, that it ripples out and becomes part of a seismic shift in the ways we talk to each other, if we talk to each other at all.

​You can make something out of anything,
Love,

​Andrea

9/22/2016

Dear Andrea,

I had every intention of at least starting this response on the plane returning home while the visit to Minnesota was still fresh in my mind, but alas it was not to be. I had no lap top to work with and writing on a pad was not practical on the drop down tray in front of me.
The concert of your music was a wonderful experience for me. The concert hall itself, the lighting, the excellent sound quality, the beautiful tones of the piano, all rank among the best concert halls I’ve had the pleasure to be in. Hearing your work and the subsequent movie viewing and talk the following day showed me your professional professorial side, and it instilled in me yet another layer of pride. Your calmness and apparent ease in answering questions from the audience after the video shorts gave me an indication of how you are in front of a classroom. They are qualities most suited to a professor, a real asset.

Your premier of Losses But Just showed me how profound ten simple words can be. How you can separate your hands and feet doing all those complex rhythms and at the same time sing the text deep in the moment is remarkable. It was a deeply moving experience that I tried to express to you later, but had to stop when blubbering was imminent.

Mom and I loved sharing time with you, Christine and the kids. The shows the boys put on were a hoot. They were really enjoying performing. It so reminded me of when you and Luigi put on those impromptu jamming sessions complete with costumes when you were young, not much older than Max and Miles are now.

I’m sending this to you now to post and I will get to work on a response to your last letter soon. I have a kernel of the direction I want to go in, but at his point the work being done in the house makes it difficult to spend the time. It seems that just doing mundane things at home are tiring when the central core of the house is not available to you. My parting words in this installment, You Rock!!!!

With much love and pride,
Dad

11/01/2016

Dear Andrea,

It’s been too long for this response and as a defense I claim addling due to the aging process. So much has happened since the Fourth of July weekend with the water damage and loss of the kitchen, grandma falling, Bosco getting hurt, etc. One of the highlights of this whole summer was our trip to Northfield.

Your last letter was quite complex, needing time and unfettered thinking to adequately respond. I think that letter opens up a dialogue that takes us to the next level of political discourse not by choice but by need. This upcoming election has created a sense of desperation on both sides of the aisle, each side saying that the other candidate is not suited for the job, that candidate cannot possibly get elected for this reason or that, each side believing that the bad things about their candidate are lies but the bad things about the other is truth. Our choice in this election is either the experienced politician who is a liar and talks out of both sides of her mouth, or the doofus who has no business in politics or government. We are between a rock and a hard place.

I am reluctant to delve into the political discourse again. For me at my age it is often an exercise in futility. What is the discourse for? Is it to change someone else’s opinion? Is it an ego trip? Too much anger when two heads collide and both are sure their opinion must be right. I’m much happier listening to music and taking pictures. One thing we should remember is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion; their opinion is valid for them based on their ideas and views.
We are all a product of our experiences which never stop as we live our lives. The way we see and process these experiences makes us the individuals that we are. How we process and the conclusions that come about as a result is a product of our core beliefs. That is why I believe that given the same set of circumstances two different people can come up with two different conclusions. That is why given the same situation two people can have a different response and both believe theirs is the right response.

We are approaching Veteran’s Day and the blog you wrote last year around this time seemed to be the impetus for the current letter, you being on a plane and having the time to write. I would like to explain something to you that will help you understand some of the views I hold.
There were two times in my life where for an extended period of time I was in complete limbo, in a state of absolute terror, and both times involved my two sons.

The first was when you had that medical condition as a young teen that no one seemed to be able to diagnose. All those tests and hospital visits were draining on you. Your mom and I could see it and we were unable to do anything. I was afraid we would lose you and yet we managed to put one foot in front of the other, do what had to be done. When we went to the hospital for special surgery in Manhattan (can’t remember the name) the doctor had you on the examination table. There was something he saw that made him call for diagnostic machines being brought into the room asap and said you were not to be moved. Mom and I thought that this was a health crisis that was not going to end well. By the grace of God and a truly dedicated doctor you were diagnosed that night and the recovery process began. We emerged from our state of limbo and began breathing again.
The second time was with Luigi’s deployments. State of limbo, absolute terror, not knowing what the following day would bring. Dreading every time I turned into our street and praying I would not see any unfamiliar cars parked in front of our house. Waking at night at every sound from outside and every headlight that seemed to be turning into our driveway. The time that inspector from the town came to our door unannounced and all I could see through the stained glass pane was a khaki colored uniform. We were afraid we would lose your brother. We managed to put one foot in front of the other, do what had to be done. Again. It took some time but we were finally able to breathe again when those deployments ended.

I know that mom thinks I was wrong in letting Luigi join the Marines and you blamed yourself for not being able to change Luigi’s mind. You and your brother are adults. You are able to make your own decisions and abide by their results and consequences. We can’t let or not let you do the things you decide. We can respect your decisions and support you. To do otherwise would be to devalue your worth as human beings, adults, and sons, in my opinion.

That conversation with Luigi about his being politically frustrated in the past eight years that left you bewildered is telling as you pointed out. You realized how strong your faith is in your political beliefs. Justly so. Shouldn’t someone who has a different perspective be allowed their beliefs as well? Who is right? Who is wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Based on your knowledge you might decide yes, I am right. The other is wrong. There could be no mistake about it. Eight years of Bush, a complete disaster by every conceivable measure. Eight years of Obama, what, a new enlightenment? All depends on your point of view. I’ve lived with the consequences of both. What is really important to me, the most important, is my family. Everything else is secondary.

You also said that you hadn’t heard a first person account of the negative impact of the ACA. I can tell you that Luigi’s family deductible is $13,000 as of this year. Trisha’s is $4000. Luigi opted out of his company’s health plan and is covered under Trisha’s family plan. When Vivianna was born two and a half years ago their deductible was zero. This year with Victoria’s birth the deductible is $4000. Both were C sections, both involved a 5 day hospital stay. At a company information session at Luigi’s work they were told the reason for the hike was the ACA. Ditto at Trisha’s job site.
I was a little puzzled by your phrase “my life of privilege”. When I think of life of privilege I envision someone who is born into wealth and doesn’t need to lift a finger to be comfortable. You probably mean you had doors open to you that are not open to everyone and were able to take the opportunities as they came. I would say in your circumstance you made the opportunities happen, you worked tirelessly when the opportunities did occur. You and Christine both continue to work tirelessly so I wouldn’t exactly say you have a life of privilege.

I think I will stop at this point for now. This wasn’t meant as a letter of response point for point exactly or as a way of swaying someone else’s opinion. I see this as a continuation of our dialogue, an understanding of another person’s view.

Love,
Dad

11/14/2016

Dear Dad,

Thank you for your last two posts. I can't tell you how full it made me feel to have you and mom here for my concert, and to see in person and then to read in your writing how moved you were by the music. That's why I do it, I think, to create some kind of larger understanding that can envelop you in the experience of something singular, something that had never been said in that particular way. This is not to say I think I was doing something great or groundbreaking; I think any time we put pen to paper or endeavor to make music we are doing that. Sometimes it's harder to see than others, but making things seems to me to present the possibility for a new perspective, for opening a unique window, every time. I am glad you saw it that way.

You single out "Losses But Just"; I have been thinking of that piece a lot lately, the mantra that generated it and the idea of holding two worlds of feeling at once: sorry for your losses but just look at that sky. It has become a perfect representation of life before Nov 8. I feel sympathy for you and your difficulties, it says, but at the same time I can walk through the Arb in the morning sun and feel a sense of awe. You talked about privilege in your letter, too, and this for me is its height. I am not living under duress, so my sorrow can remain an abstraction; it dissolves when the skyline is particularly striking. There are many who could not sing this song without irony. Or if they did, and could, it would be a remarkable act of defiance and courage. For me, though, it's self-incriminating. It was at the time but without the teeth that the election have given it. I am dismantling the mantra now. Now I am just sorry for your losses.

There's so much more to say about all of this. I have been writing a lot, and have dusted off an old idea, too, one that initially ripped us apart but that I think eventually made this project gather steam. I feel a focus that I've not felt in a long time, and a desire to offer something up.

This is a preamble to a proper response, I suppose. But feel free to beat me to it. Now, more than ever, I feel like I need your voice. It is not an abstraction anymore. I really need us to understand each other, and I am committed to working on it until we hit something we can't move, or until we blast through.

Love,
Andrea

​
​